THE lucky woman who gets to marry me will have to pass this test: I will take her to a smallholding in Spain that I will either own or rent depending on my fortunes as a journalist.
Anyway, I will tell her I own it. Scrub that, I mustn't lie to her in case she is the one. If she sleeps on the plane on the way over, she must not dribble, and if she stays awake, she must not catch me dribbling.
Engrossed in games of Paper, Scissor, Stone in the back of the taxi, we will arrive before we know it, in what will be a dusty, rural village with not an Englishman in sight. We shall unpack in my modest, clean villa before I take her to the garden where I will keep two rescue donkeys tied to a tree. One donkey will be considerably bigger than the other.
I throw her a crash helmet, mount the smaller one and ask her to mount hers and join me on a parade around the village square to meet the locals who will all be out eating their lunch.
She must catch the helmet first time, mount her donkey in one leap and not complain about having no saddle or the donkey having a matted mane. If she is prepared to trot around the village looking like a complete prat then I know she is the one.
A friend's birthday involved a limousine ride to Covent Garden for 15 of us last Friday. Friends told me to wear a collar because we were going up West. I refused to go for the 'West Drayton on Tour' look and wore a polo-shirt instead.
Birthday girl brought an attractive cousin along. She was seeing a guy who worked as a PCSO, so I felt sure I was in with a chance.
I ignored her until we got into the club and then asked her if she liked men who could break dance. My side-kick Colin, realised this was his cue and as I got down on my back he swung my legs round giving me a couple of revolutions and her a couple of laughs.
Despite being on the guest list and having birthday girl's pretty cousin at my side, moronic bouncers at the swanky club next door refused me entry because of my polo-shirt so I called it a night before mates got a chance to say they had told me so.
By the sounds of things, I didn't miss too much.